Letting Go

Allow me to introduce you to my friend Deejay. Deejay was the acting/directing intern for New Stage this year. One of his first responsibilities was to call and confirm all appointments for general auditions last August.  Deejay had me at hello! Not really... but I couldn't pass that up! Anyway,  the first theatre production of the year was an "Unframed" production of " The Last Stand of Judas Iscariot" I knew I wanted to see the show for two reasons. 1) Judas is one of my favorite characters in the Bible and 2) I knew it would be a wonderful conversation sparker about faith. I was right on both accounts. Judas was my favorite show of the year and I knew exactly where people stood. Deejay played the title character of Judas. Offstage, Deejay is this bundle of energy, a social butterfly and often the life of every party. Clearly we connected almost immediately. This Sunday I have to say goodbye to Deejay. Friends come and go, but saying goodbye to this young fellow is breaking my heart. Somehow this carefree, seemingly reckless person has cracked every wall and barrier I have built and seeped into my heart. I've learned so much from him. He inspires me and pushes me to love the craft of theatre. John Maxwell best describes  it as "the magic" of the theatre. I love him and I'm having the hardest time letting him go. Typically interns stay for one year and move forward in their careers.  This is year I made a point to really invest in the interns instead of keeping my distance. I wanted to make the most of every minute. Here we are at the end of our time together and I've shed more tears than I bargained for 12 months ago. This isn't the the only goodbye that I will endure over the next 6 weeks, but Deejay is the first and the hardest for sure. I've started to ask myself why? What is it about this one that has you to pieces?


Over the last two years my capacity to love has grown tremendously. It's funny because now that I'm writing this... I think there has to be some correlation between learning to love myself again. Anyway, my capacity to love ALL of God's creatures has grown 10 fold. I truly celebrate life. All life. I stand in awe of the potential, the struggle, and the miracle that is every human life . At Hawkins we had two major death tragedies in our family and it's still difficult to process. When most of the world cheered Bin Laden's death... I couldn't.  Even though he destroyed the lives of thousands, I can not celebrate death because life is soo beautiful.  My mother died when I was 18 years old. Death was introduced into my story at far too young a age. I had to accept it as apart of life, but I feel like I'm learning that death isn't the option... LIFE is! To further to prove my point... I dodge squirrels people! A few years ago I wouldn't break for a dog... much less a squirrel! All life is fragile and precious and unbelievably sweet.  


When I try to pinpoint what's happening inside of me... it boils down to this: I truly believe that God allowed me to borrow Deejay for a year. He placed him specifically in Jackson, MS for one year under my care and influence and now I have to give him back. Deejay does not know Jesus, but Jesus knows him quite well. We both are "especially fond" of him. I have learned countless lessons from him about love and hospitality and forgiveness. He would put most Christ followers to shame. I think God used him to remind me that he is still in pursuit of his children. I truly believe that he is running after Deejay and getting closer everyday. It's what I would imagine carrying the Olympic torch would feel like. You only carry it for a brief moment, but you'll remember the honor and privilege of being handed the torch for the rest of your life. It's time for me to pass Deejay to the next person God has in store for His glory. I have to let him go. I have to trust that someone is waiting to love and care for him and whisper the root of the unconditional love that he's seeking. It's a beautiful image, but it's truly breaking my heart. Perhaps God is teaching me to love... like He has undeniably loved me. I really do believe this is the start of something new for me. I can't remember the last time I've been this broken about releasing someone and confident that the role God had/has for me in his story was well played. 


One of my favorite musical theatre songs is from the musical "Children of Eden." (I posted it on my facebook a few days ago.) The song, "Hardest part of Love" is sung by the God character in the show, Father and Noah from the  traditional ark story. Noah is watching as his children make difficult and sometimes bad choices. It's my favorite because Noah has years of wisdom that his children can not receive. They don't trust him. He sings the first two verses himself, then Father... ever present and always watching... joins him on the last verse. 


FATHER:
And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost ohhh

NOAH and FATHER:
But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know

NOAH:
That the hardest part of love

FATHER:
And the rarest part of love

NOAH and FATHER:
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go 

Amen.