The Biggest Winner...

So... In January like most people I made a few new year resolutions. Most people tend to shy away from admitting they have them because they didn't follow through on it. If I remember correctly I only set three goals... 1) Start this blog... SCORE!!  2) Read a book a month. (I have read 2 and I had to decide that reading plays counted in order to achieve it!) 3) Finally auditioning for "The Biggest Loser." I auditioned in March and apparently I wasn't right for the show this seaaon. The process of auditioning for the show has greatly effected me. The audition process involves filling out an application, taking a few photos of yourself, making a video that's 10 to 15 minutes long, and telling your story. There are over 250,000 people who audition for the show and only 24 will win the lottery. The odds were not in my favor, but the process itself takes you to a point of no return.

Finding my story. I'm morbidly obese. (100+ overweight) I have never been in love, never been kissed, and never had sex... but I guess the first two nevers could have spelled that out for ya! Anyway, I thought my list of nevers was unique... different enough to set me apart. On top of that I work for a non-profit, in a low income neighborhood with kids, and I'm an artist!! I got this in the bag! BUT the first thing I learned is that I am not alone in my list. There are other people who have a similar story and the same list of nevers! If this were a movie script this is where you que the soft music to start playing and I would feel this sense of unity and peace that none of us are on our own. You may even see a hug and a few tears. Well... Hell to da NAW!! What!! I wish I was the only Virgin Mary over 30 in the world!! Breaking News... This lady has the panty patrol on lock... for real this time!! Oh well... that was not the case. SO... what's my story? I'm the only person living my life... what's so great about me? I found my answer by taking a closer look at my past. Toward the end of January I was franticly looking for a book to read before I failed for the month. I looked under my bed in a storage box and found two journals from junior high and high school. You should know that I haven't opened my journals in 10+ years. When I opened the books ... it was like I was reading the pages of someone's life that I once knew, but had long forgotten. Here's what I discovered: I was certainly a teenager in every aspect of the stereotype. I was totally boy crazy ( I'm sooo not gay), every situation was life or death (drama, drama, drama), and I was completely misunderstood (teenage drama queen)! I could blog about the content of my journals for the next ten years. If I took them to a shrink they might request that I spend a little quality time at Pine Grove, but that's not what I took from them.

My journals reminded me that all my life I've been hiding behind something. I've hid behind my charming personality, my witty sense of humor, my faith, and even the color of my skin. But my most revealing hiding place has been my weight. Throughout my journals there were numerous comments about wanting to lose weight or how different my life would be without the weight. Page after page... the weight was all consuming. Serving as an excuse when needed or the reason for feeling excluded... it was my ace in the pocket. "The Biggest Loser" insists that you come out of hiding. The process demands that you expose layer after layer of your most intimate struggles. But what happens when you don't make it to the ranch? You're still left with your layers exposed and there's no closet big enough to stuff them back into. I feel like the 'pieces of my brokenness' just got bigger. Everyday has been different since I committed to audition for the show and especially since I read my journals. I'm addicted to food, but more importantly I'm addicted to hiding. What if I lose this weight and I'm still in pursuit of pretty, in pursuit of significance, of change? What then? I think apart of me is not only afraid of failure, but equally afraid of success. So... where do we go from here? I don't know. I turned to food... gained weight. Turned to shopping... making returns this week. Turned to depression... still digging my way out of  it. Turned to Jesus ... we've cried a lot, but we're working through it... page by page.

As apart of the audition, I went home to work on a cheer with my niece Kashayla and a few of her friends. At the end of the cheer all of the girls chant... "She's a big loser, she's a big loser" and I respond with "No! I'm The Biggest Loser!" After the third run through my little nephew Kameran interrupts us to say, "But you're not the biggest loser... you're the biggest winner." The sincerity of his words melted my heart. I am the biggest winner. I won the best prize of all... another chance for a better story. Too many people live their life in fragments... incomplete because of dark shadows in the corners of their past. But fragments don't equal abundant life. I'm coming out... of hiding that is. Page by page, layer by layer... in pursuit of a better story.

Alone In The Dark...

Sunday night we had a Easter Potluck at church. There were a team of people who were responsible for setting up and breaking down the event. This was their first event and they did a outstanding job. Here's the unspoken Sunday routine: Mike gets there early and leads in the set up and I lock the doors at the end of the night. Typically I lock the front doors after Mike leaves and 5 minutes later I'm in the car, but tonight was different. Now most people think churches are creepy in after dark... they're afraid of what might be lurking behind the pews.  If you talk to Average Joe, he will tell you an empty church at night is plain spooky. I on the other hand, have always been more bothered by what can happen in church in plain daylight that I can SEE... that Average Joe is clueless about! During the potluck the front doors were open, but we were all in the back of the church. After we finished cleaning I was in the church for at least another 20 minutes all alone. As I begin my typical shut down routine it dawns on me that if someone came in while we were in the back... 1) no one would ever know it, 2) two they could still be in the building 3) I am completely alone. As I turned off the many lights in the sanctuary... one by one, the darkness starts to fill the church and my over active imagination is kicking it in high gear! Te conversation in my head went something like this:"Did I you hear that?" "Don't be crazy" "Is that me breathing or someone else?" "You're huffing like a dog in heat!" "This is not the time for jokes! Shut-up so I can hear!" "I'm totally losing it!" TOGETHER: FOCUS!! I start to recite the walking path... From the sanctuary, to the chapel, to the hallway, to the bathrooms, to the office, to the exit door, to the car, to the dumpster, back to the car. Once I was in the safety of my car my mind settles on one thought:  when you're dating or married, someone waits to see if you make to the car. Someone wants to know that you made the transition from the dark parking lot without harm. When you're single... Good Luck SUCKA!! You betta be packing heat cause you is on your own!! Ain;t nobody looking out for you! Ain't nobody calling to make sure I got home. They wouldn't know til 9 or so the next day! Alone in the dark. 

So... on the long list of things that would be nice about having a significant other... is being significant. I don't know a married or dating woman that would be allowed to do what I do every week. But I know that if someone offered to stay I might send them home. The world of a single lady is so complicated because you learn to do life without much assistance. I am not the most feminine female on the block. I do wear earrings now, I carry a purse and I'll even rock a dress from time to time. But I still hesitate to need anyone- especially a man!  Where does it stem from? The majority of its rooted in being seen and treated as one of the boys my entire life. I wanted to be the girl they could talk to like one of the guys, but hopefully one they would want to date! I've always prided myself on being really strong and independant, but I think it was rooted in the fear that because I wasn't pretty they wouldn't offer to help me anyway. Truth be told I still live in that place more days than not. I'm a big girl. When you think about the helpless lady in need of rescuing is she thick or thin?  Is she shy or outspoken? Is she black or white? My answer is the complete opposite of me. Now picture Eve in the Garden of Eden... What does she look like? My answer is the opposite of me... expect she does have dark skin. YES!! :) Now picture what our culture has presented as pretty for the last 20 years. Before Queen Latifiah, MoNique, And that Girl from Precious... being big was just rumored to be beautiful by the fat boys in the 80's! LIAR!! Trust me no little fat girl was sitting around wanting to be Neil Carter or Fat Alberta! No thank you!! Big is only beautiful in Africa and that's cause they want to know how you managed that!! (no really ... they asked me that!)  

I feel like I must point out that I don't walk alone in my life. I have friendships that are priceless and my family is always a phone call away. I've had a rare gift of walking beside mentors and friends that have helped to shape and evolve everything I ever thought to be true in this world. Most people don't get to process the reason behind their actions, faith, struggles etc. I have genuine relationships with people who celebrate with me, but they also have earned the right to ask me difficult questions too. I know who I can turn to for the ugly truth and that's a gift.  I think it's just moments like Sunday night that make me pause and think how different my life looks from most of the people in my community. What I'm learning is how to connect the feelings I had walking to the car with the bigger story/ issues in my life.  All little girls were not dainty, but if they were that didn't make them weak.  I tend to see needy as weak... in every relationship. I'm learning the difference between I need you to be in my life and I want you to be in my life. 8 times out of 10, I have the option to include people or walk alone. I can invite people in or shut people out.  I can ask you to stay or encourage you to leave. I'm still trying to find the balance, but  I'm finally analyzing it with all the light on. 

Easter Sunday

Another Easter Sunday approaches and once again I'm sitting... pondering. Easter has always been a very significant holiday in my life. Growing up I dreaded Easter Sunday because of all the attention given on the hair and the clothes etc. But on the other hand it was also my opportunity to showcase my upper hand. I could memorize my Easter Speech and deliver it flawlessly, while many others cracked under the pressure... I shined! Several years later when I was a freshman in college I was in a show rehearing during Easter weekend and  decided not to make extra efforts to find a ride home. My parents offered to come get me, but I thought that would be to much for them. This particular Easter my family paused to take a rare family portrait after church and everyone was present except for me.  I spent Easter alone crying in my dorm room and watching a church that I would never choose to attend on TV. A week later my parents came down to visit me, see the show and left Sunday afternoon. Less than 24 hours later my mom suffered a heart attack and passed away. That picture on Easter Sunday was the last picture she took and was certainly the last time the family was all together... expect for me of course. Since then there always this fear in my head that life changes after Easter. I fear that someone will be missing from the next picture. Life is lived in little life changing moments... the problem is you never know when you're in one. 


This Easter I'm sitting here alone again (for the time being), but using this time to ponder. It was this time last year that I first started to diet and begin the pursuit to take control of my life. A year into this... I've done okay. I haven't given up, I've motivated others to try and opened up more than I ever thought possible about my most intimate struggle. The thing about confronting your weight issues is this... you can't hide anymore. As a over weight person you spend your life masking the weight, hiding behind clothes that help you look thinner. If you're average weight... you'd be amazed at how much belly the right shirt will camouflage. And if you're obese... sorry, but it's not hiding nearly as much as you hope! I heard a girl talking on Dr. Oz yesterday that said that she feels like her entire life would be different if she hadn't been overweight the majority of her life. She wasn't emotional, but I was emotional for her and me and all of the little girls that didn't lose their "baby fat" all over the world. Donald Miller says that God is the narrator of our story. He says that the Narrator will whisper opportunities for a better story and you have to decide to take it or leave it. The longer you walk with the God the more you learn to listen to those whispers because they will lead you to a better life. The artist in me LOVES how Donald Miller cast the characters. I just wish I'd read the book 15 years ago... 5 years ago... before the many mistakes of yesterday were written on my pages. I believe that God's hand has crafted more moments than we will ever realize and we certainly can't limit what he/she can do with a open heart. However we can and do limit ourselves. I am my own worse enemy. My instinct is to say I can't as oppose to hope that I can. My gut tells me to quit even when there is a desire to push ahead. My insecurities tell my to stand-down because you won't be counted anyway. You'll be the one that's overlooked... invisible. I'm the protagonist and the antagonist at the same time. 


This Easter my heart and mind return to the great story. God looked down on creation, smiled and said "That's good." Creation got so cluttered with noise... they could no longer distinguish the Narrator from the noise. God leans over to Jesus and whispers " They need a chance at a better story, son. Here's what I've been thinking..." Jesus and the Holy Spirit both look at each other, lean in and say "Now... that's good." The old story becomes new through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. And creation is extended a whisper once again to live a better story. Jesus returns to his seat and the Holy Spirit is still in the business of whispering to us that "death brings life." No different than the leaves on the trees, the grass on the ground, and the pedals on the rose bush... "death brings life" is a running theme throughout this story. So, I was right... Life does change after Easter and this Easter is no different. I have to let a few things die to experience the resurrection. I have to let some bad habits die, a few broken relationships die and the hardest for me... I have to let a few dreams die in order to resurrect a new one and live a better story. And today I'm confident that when I can finally see how all the pieces fit together I too will lean into the Great Narrator and say "Now... that's real good!"