The Biggest Winner...

So... In January like most people I made a few new year resolutions. Most people tend to shy away from admitting they have them because they didn't follow through on it. If I remember correctly I only set three goals... 1) Start this blog... SCORE!!  2) Read a book a month. (I have read 2 and I had to decide that reading plays counted in order to achieve it!) 3) Finally auditioning for "The Biggest Loser." I auditioned in March and apparently I wasn't right for the show this seaaon. The process of auditioning for the show has greatly effected me. The audition process involves filling out an application, taking a few photos of yourself, making a video that's 10 to 15 minutes long, and telling your story. There are over 250,000 people who audition for the show and only 24 will win the lottery. The odds were not in my favor, but the process itself takes you to a point of no return.

Finding my story. I'm morbidly obese. (100+ overweight) I have never been in love, never been kissed, and never had sex... but I guess the first two nevers could have spelled that out for ya! Anyway, I thought my list of nevers was unique... different enough to set me apart. On top of that I work for a non-profit, in a low income neighborhood with kids, and I'm an artist!! I got this in the bag! BUT the first thing I learned is that I am not alone in my list. There are other people who have a similar story and the same list of nevers! If this were a movie script this is where you que the soft music to start playing and I would feel this sense of unity and peace that none of us are on our own. You may even see a hug and a few tears. Well... Hell to da NAW!! What!! I wish I was the only Virgin Mary over 30 in the world!! Breaking News... This lady has the panty patrol on lock... for real this time!! Oh well... that was not the case. SO... what's my story? I'm the only person living my life... what's so great about me? I found my answer by taking a closer look at my past. Toward the end of January I was franticly looking for a book to read before I failed for the month. I looked under my bed in a storage box and found two journals from junior high and high school. You should know that I haven't opened my journals in 10+ years. When I opened the books ... it was like I was reading the pages of someone's life that I once knew, but had long forgotten. Here's what I discovered: I was certainly a teenager in every aspect of the stereotype. I was totally boy crazy ( I'm sooo not gay), every situation was life or death (drama, drama, drama), and I was completely misunderstood (teenage drama queen)! I could blog about the content of my journals for the next ten years. If I took them to a shrink they might request that I spend a little quality time at Pine Grove, but that's not what I took from them.

My journals reminded me that all my life I've been hiding behind something. I've hid behind my charming personality, my witty sense of humor, my faith, and even the color of my skin. But my most revealing hiding place has been my weight. Throughout my journals there were numerous comments about wanting to lose weight or how different my life would be without the weight. Page after page... the weight was all consuming. Serving as an excuse when needed or the reason for feeling excluded... it was my ace in the pocket. "The Biggest Loser" insists that you come out of hiding. The process demands that you expose layer after layer of your most intimate struggles. But what happens when you don't make it to the ranch? You're still left with your layers exposed and there's no closet big enough to stuff them back into. I feel like the 'pieces of my brokenness' just got bigger. Everyday has been different since I committed to audition for the show and especially since I read my journals. I'm addicted to food, but more importantly I'm addicted to hiding. What if I lose this weight and I'm still in pursuit of pretty, in pursuit of significance, of change? What then? I think apart of me is not only afraid of failure, but equally afraid of success. So... where do we go from here? I don't know. I turned to food... gained weight. Turned to shopping... making returns this week. Turned to depression... still digging my way out of  it. Turned to Jesus ... we've cried a lot, but we're working through it... page by page.

As apart of the audition, I went home to work on a cheer with my niece Kashayla and a few of her friends. At the end of the cheer all of the girls chant... "She's a big loser, she's a big loser" and I respond with "No! I'm The Biggest Loser!" After the third run through my little nephew Kameran interrupts us to say, "But you're not the biggest loser... you're the biggest winner." The sincerity of his words melted my heart. I am the biggest winner. I won the best prize of all... another chance for a better story. Too many people live their life in fragments... incomplete because of dark shadows in the corners of their past. But fragments don't equal abundant life. I'm coming out... of hiding that is. Page by page, layer by layer... in pursuit of a better story.