Alone In The Dark...

Sunday night we had a Easter Potluck at church. There were a team of people who were responsible for setting up and breaking down the event. This was their first event and they did a outstanding job. Here's the unspoken Sunday routine: Mike gets there early and leads in the set up and I lock the doors at the end of the night. Typically I lock the front doors after Mike leaves and 5 minutes later I'm in the car, but tonight was different. Now most people think churches are creepy in after dark... they're afraid of what might be lurking behind the pews.  If you talk to Average Joe, he will tell you an empty church at night is plain spooky. I on the other hand, have always been more bothered by what can happen in church in plain daylight that I can SEE... that Average Joe is clueless about! During the potluck the front doors were open, but we were all in the back of the church. After we finished cleaning I was in the church for at least another 20 minutes all alone. As I begin my typical shut down routine it dawns on me that if someone came in while we were in the back... 1) no one would ever know it, 2) two they could still be in the building 3) I am completely alone. As I turned off the many lights in the sanctuary... one by one, the darkness starts to fill the church and my over active imagination is kicking it in high gear! Te conversation in my head went something like this:"Did I you hear that?" "Don't be crazy" "Is that me breathing or someone else?" "You're huffing like a dog in heat!" "This is not the time for jokes! Shut-up so I can hear!" "I'm totally losing it!" TOGETHER: FOCUS!! I start to recite the walking path... From the sanctuary, to the chapel, to the hallway, to the bathrooms, to the office, to the exit door, to the car, to the dumpster, back to the car. Once I was in the safety of my car my mind settles on one thought:  when you're dating or married, someone waits to see if you make to the car. Someone wants to know that you made the transition from the dark parking lot without harm. When you're single... Good Luck SUCKA!! You betta be packing heat cause you is on your own!! Ain;t nobody looking out for you! Ain't nobody calling to make sure I got home. They wouldn't know til 9 or so the next day! Alone in the dark. 

So... on the long list of things that would be nice about having a significant other... is being significant. I don't know a married or dating woman that would be allowed to do what I do every week. But I know that if someone offered to stay I might send them home. The world of a single lady is so complicated because you learn to do life without much assistance. I am not the most feminine female on the block. I do wear earrings now, I carry a purse and I'll even rock a dress from time to time. But I still hesitate to need anyone- especially a man!  Where does it stem from? The majority of its rooted in being seen and treated as one of the boys my entire life. I wanted to be the girl they could talk to like one of the guys, but hopefully one they would want to date! I've always prided myself on being really strong and independant, but I think it was rooted in the fear that because I wasn't pretty they wouldn't offer to help me anyway. Truth be told I still live in that place more days than not. I'm a big girl. When you think about the helpless lady in need of rescuing is she thick or thin?  Is she shy or outspoken? Is she black or white? My answer is the complete opposite of me. Now picture Eve in the Garden of Eden... What does she look like? My answer is the opposite of me... expect she does have dark skin. YES!! :) Now picture what our culture has presented as pretty for the last 20 years. Before Queen Latifiah, MoNique, And that Girl from Precious... being big was just rumored to be beautiful by the fat boys in the 80's! LIAR!! Trust me no little fat girl was sitting around wanting to be Neil Carter or Fat Alberta! No thank you!! Big is only beautiful in Africa and that's cause they want to know how you managed that!! (no really ... they asked me that!)  

I feel like I must point out that I don't walk alone in my life. I have friendships that are priceless and my family is always a phone call away. I've had a rare gift of walking beside mentors and friends that have helped to shape and evolve everything I ever thought to be true in this world. Most people don't get to process the reason behind their actions, faith, struggles etc. I have genuine relationships with people who celebrate with me, but they also have earned the right to ask me difficult questions too. I know who I can turn to for the ugly truth and that's a gift.  I think it's just moments like Sunday night that make me pause and think how different my life looks from most of the people in my community. What I'm learning is how to connect the feelings I had walking to the car with the bigger story/ issues in my life.  All little girls were not dainty, but if they were that didn't make them weak.  I tend to see needy as weak... in every relationship. I'm learning the difference between I need you to be in my life and I want you to be in my life. 8 times out of 10, I have the option to include people or walk alone. I can invite people in or shut people out.  I can ask you to stay or encourage you to leave. I'm still trying to find the balance, but  I'm finally analyzing it with all the light on.