Easter Sunday

Another Easter Sunday approaches and once again I'm sitting... pondering. Easter has always been a very significant holiday in my life. Growing up I dreaded Easter Sunday because of all the attention given on the hair and the clothes etc. But on the other hand it was also my opportunity to showcase my upper hand. I could memorize my Easter Speech and deliver it flawlessly, while many others cracked under the pressure... I shined! Several years later when I was a freshman in college I was in a show rehearing during Easter weekend and  decided not to make extra efforts to find a ride home. My parents offered to come get me, but I thought that would be to much for them. This particular Easter my family paused to take a rare family portrait after church and everyone was present except for me.  I spent Easter alone crying in my dorm room and watching a church that I would never choose to attend on TV. A week later my parents came down to visit me, see the show and left Sunday afternoon. Less than 24 hours later my mom suffered a heart attack and passed away. That picture on Easter Sunday was the last picture she took and was certainly the last time the family was all together... expect for me of course. Since then there always this fear in my head that life changes after Easter. I fear that someone will be missing from the next picture. Life is lived in little life changing moments... the problem is you never know when you're in one. 


This Easter I'm sitting here alone again (for the time being), but using this time to ponder. It was this time last year that I first started to diet and begin the pursuit to take control of my life. A year into this... I've done okay. I haven't given up, I've motivated others to try and opened up more than I ever thought possible about my most intimate struggle. The thing about confronting your weight issues is this... you can't hide anymore. As a over weight person you spend your life masking the weight, hiding behind clothes that help you look thinner. If you're average weight... you'd be amazed at how much belly the right shirt will camouflage. And if you're obese... sorry, but it's not hiding nearly as much as you hope! I heard a girl talking on Dr. Oz yesterday that said that she feels like her entire life would be different if she hadn't been overweight the majority of her life. She wasn't emotional, but I was emotional for her and me and all of the little girls that didn't lose their "baby fat" all over the world. Donald Miller says that God is the narrator of our story. He says that the Narrator will whisper opportunities for a better story and you have to decide to take it or leave it. The longer you walk with the God the more you learn to listen to those whispers because they will lead you to a better life. The artist in me LOVES how Donald Miller cast the characters. I just wish I'd read the book 15 years ago... 5 years ago... before the many mistakes of yesterday were written on my pages. I believe that God's hand has crafted more moments than we will ever realize and we certainly can't limit what he/she can do with a open heart. However we can and do limit ourselves. I am my own worse enemy. My instinct is to say I can't as oppose to hope that I can. My gut tells me to quit even when there is a desire to push ahead. My insecurities tell my to stand-down because you won't be counted anyway. You'll be the one that's overlooked... invisible. I'm the protagonist and the antagonist at the same time. 


This Easter my heart and mind return to the great story. God looked down on creation, smiled and said "That's good." Creation got so cluttered with noise... they could no longer distinguish the Narrator from the noise. God leans over to Jesus and whispers " They need a chance at a better story, son. Here's what I've been thinking..." Jesus and the Holy Spirit both look at each other, lean in and say "Now... that's good." The old story becomes new through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. And creation is extended a whisper once again to live a better story. Jesus returns to his seat and the Holy Spirit is still in the business of whispering to us that "death brings life." No different than the leaves on the trees, the grass on the ground, and the pedals on the rose bush... "death brings life" is a running theme throughout this story. So, I was right... Life does change after Easter and this Easter is no different. I have to let a few things die to experience the resurrection. I have to let some bad habits die, a few broken relationships die and the hardest for me... I have to let a few dreams die in order to resurrect a new one and live a better story. And today I'm confident that when I can finally see how all the pieces fit together I too will lean into the Great Narrator and say "Now... that's real good!"