Letting Go

Allow me to introduce you to my friend Deejay. Deejay was the acting/directing intern for New Stage this year. One of his first responsibilities was to call and confirm all appointments for general auditions last August.  Deejay had me at hello! Not really... but I couldn't pass that up! Anyway,  the first theatre production of the year was an "Unframed" production of " The Last Stand of Judas Iscariot" I knew I wanted to see the show for two reasons. 1) Judas is one of my favorite characters in the Bible and 2) I knew it would be a wonderful conversation sparker about faith. I was right on both accounts. Judas was my favorite show of the year and I knew exactly where people stood. Deejay played the title character of Judas. Offstage, Deejay is this bundle of energy, a social butterfly and often the life of every party. Clearly we connected almost immediately. This Sunday I have to say goodbye to Deejay. Friends come and go, but saying goodbye to this young fellow is breaking my heart. Somehow this carefree, seemingly reckless person has cracked every wall and barrier I have built and seeped into my heart. I've learned so much from him. He inspires me and pushes me to love the craft of theatre. John Maxwell best describes  it as "the magic" of the theatre. I love him and I'm having the hardest time letting him go. Typically interns stay for one year and move forward in their careers.  This is year I made a point to really invest in the interns instead of keeping my distance. I wanted to make the most of every minute. Here we are at the end of our time together and I've shed more tears than I bargained for 12 months ago. This isn't the the only goodbye that I will endure over the next 6 weeks, but Deejay is the first and the hardest for sure. I've started to ask myself why? What is it about this one that has you to pieces?


Over the last two years my capacity to love has grown tremendously. It's funny because now that I'm writing this... I think there has to be some correlation between learning to love myself again. Anyway, my capacity to love ALL of God's creatures has grown 10 fold. I truly celebrate life. All life. I stand in awe of the potential, the struggle, and the miracle that is every human life . At Hawkins we had two major death tragedies in our family and it's still difficult to process. When most of the world cheered Bin Laden's death... I couldn't.  Even though he destroyed the lives of thousands, I can not celebrate death because life is soo beautiful.  My mother died when I was 18 years old. Death was introduced into my story at far too young a age. I had to accept it as apart of life, but I feel like I'm learning that death isn't the option... LIFE is! To further to prove my point... I dodge squirrels people! A few years ago I wouldn't break for a dog... much less a squirrel! All life is fragile and precious and unbelievably sweet.  


When I try to pinpoint what's happening inside of me... it boils down to this: I truly believe that God allowed me to borrow Deejay for a year. He placed him specifically in Jackson, MS for one year under my care and influence and now I have to give him back. Deejay does not know Jesus, but Jesus knows him quite well. We both are "especially fond" of him. I have learned countless lessons from him about love and hospitality and forgiveness. He would put most Christ followers to shame. I think God used him to remind me that he is still in pursuit of his children. I truly believe that he is running after Deejay and getting closer everyday. It's what I would imagine carrying the Olympic torch would feel like. You only carry it for a brief moment, but you'll remember the honor and privilege of being handed the torch for the rest of your life. It's time for me to pass Deejay to the next person God has in store for His glory. I have to let him go. I have to trust that someone is waiting to love and care for him and whisper the root of the unconditional love that he's seeking. It's a beautiful image, but it's truly breaking my heart. Perhaps God is teaching me to love... like He has undeniably loved me. I really do believe this is the start of something new for me. I can't remember the last time I've been this broken about releasing someone and confident that the role God had/has for me in his story was well played. 


One of my favorite musical theatre songs is from the musical "Children of Eden." (I posted it on my facebook a few days ago.) The song, "Hardest part of Love" is sung by the God character in the show, Father and Noah from the  traditional ark story. Noah is watching as his children make difficult and sometimes bad choices. It's my favorite because Noah has years of wisdom that his children can not receive. They don't trust him. He sings the first two verses himself, then Father... ever present and always watching... joins him on the last verse. 


FATHER:
And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost ohhh

NOAH and FATHER:
But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know

NOAH:
That the hardest part of love

FATHER:
And the rarest part of love

NOAH and FATHER:
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go 

Amen. 

A Tell of Two Cities

I live in two cities. During the past school year I spent most weekday days in Hattiesburg and most nights and weekends in Jackson. I look good. My clothes fit better and I've shopped a few times. I feel pretty, but somethings missing... until a HE agrees with me, it doesn't feel valid.  I've always been somewhat of a late bloomer and I think my harmones are about 16 years old these days! Here's what people haven't figured out... Jackson is full of beautiful men. Beautiful Black Men to be more specific. Everywhere you turn there are these beautiful creatures... leading things and talking about important matters, talking to seemingly important people, but they aints talking to me! WHY!!! I'm soo funny, super smart (average smart), but super insightful to make up for it! Why aren't you validating my new found flirty fashion? This amazing ethic hair I rock? I'm more of a sista-sista than ever! My primary love language is words of affirmation, second to quality time but even words lose their value without quality time to back them up. I love my friends in Jackson because I'm still an out of town friend visiting. I haven't over stayed my welcome and quality time is a daily item on the menu. Here's what I'm discovering these days... I have boundary issues. I so yearn for meaningful relationships with men that I project whatever I want to see in the relationship and/or over analyize every text, encounter or lack there of! Do you remember those adoring qualities that I listed a few lines up (funny, insightful)? Well... its those same qualities that get me landed into the friend zone for life! I'm a great friend, the world's best buddy and really funny! I can't help that. I've tried, but you can't fight the funny people! I give decent advice, I'm a listener and a talker too! Sound familiar? I'm the BEST MAN! NOOOOOO!!! Well... this summer I have really enjoyed reconnecting with my old girlfriend Rachel. Rachel lives in Jackson and has seen my failed attempt to leap out of the friend zone face to face. After processing the debts of my despair she decided to coach me on Flirting 101. The break down: eye contact, active listening, laughing at their jokes, engaging questions, light touch on the arm or leg when possible, and my favorite the eye wink. I know what you're thinking... "Sharon, you do those things naturally all the time! Yay!! I'm sure you passed with flying colors!!" HELL TO THE NO I DIDN'T! It was awful! When I showed Rachel my eye wink she said I quote "For the love of God... don't ever do that again." She went on to say that it looked like a animal in heat, but she's never seen that animal before. Seriously? Seriously. Did I mention she's a great teacher, but brutally honest! After my 101 lesson, we went out on an outing to test the waters. The guy was a hottie... not a stranger, but not in the friend zone yet either.  I invited him to join a group of us after the show. The table is set... me, hottie and teacher Rachel all seated together. It's go time. Go. Eye contact... Active listening... engaging question... SWEAT ON THE NOSE!!! AHHHHH!!! DETOUR! ABORT!!! Just when all seemed lost... here comes teachie teach Rachel to save the day. Rachel takes over the conversation. Eye contact... Active listening... engaging question... laughing at jokes... (is she coming on to him? she's married...) she looks a me and winks... (is she coming on to me??) NOOO... Wait!! I see what she's doing! She's showing me how its done! After a the visual lesson, Rachel lets me take the wheel again. At the end of the night I would say it was a step in the right direction! Now... if I can figure out if he likes girls or boys. Seriously? Seriously. I'll unpack that in another entry! Although the flirting lesson is waaay overdue and has really made the summer a ton more fun... it's not the most important lesson I've learned. I feel like I connect with people in Jackson because they understand the artist in me. I connect with people in Hattiesburg because they anchor me in my faith journey. There is certainly cross over in both worlds, but I'm realizing how much I need that balance. I'm better when I can create art with people I genuinely love. I'm also better when I spend quality time with people who love me and point me to the Creator's love. I'm better because of both cities, but at the same time to live in two places can mean you're not ever fully present anywhere. I had dinner with a friend this week who said. "Sharon, you can't seriously expect to date and eventually get married when you're a visitor everywhere you go." It's a valid point, but it leaves me without a catchy summary to conclude this entry. In the meantime... I'll keep working on my winking skills! :)

Confession... from last October!!

A Confession... 7 months in the making...

My name is Sharon and I'm an addict. My last binge was Friday. I'm addicted to food. Dr. Ian Smith says that people over estimate how physically active they are and under estimate how much they eat. I completely agree. I have gained 20 pounds back! 20!! (Please note that if you're generally willing to to admit 20 its typically more.) When I'm eating responsibly I'm aware of every second of the day as well as every moment that I want food. My strongest cravings are at 10am and 3:30pm. It's so strong that I don't even trust myself to drive pass any food joints! If I even look towards KFC at 3:30... It's like I black out and wake up with crumbs on my shirt! "Number 1 combo, two thighs and a serria mist with no ice." It's Horrible! AND did you know you can have breakfast at Sonic all day long!! Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day... ALL DAY LONG!! So in light of my new recommittment to not avoiding the hard stuff I'm signing up for 14 days of discipline. For 14 days I'm committing to avoid all fast food, exercise twice daily, and weigh-in daily.  I plan to blog about my progress and post at the end of the two weeks.

Day 1- hide in the house most of the day... didn't trust myself to leave and not end up in line...

Day 2- busy day... not nearly as hungry as the day before.

Day 3- back to school... already nervous

I've been watching House. On a recent episode there was a lady that had a gastric bypass surgery that went wrong. In order to be get better she would have had to reverse the surgery and go back to a carb inclusion diet. She refused and House said, " At least she's being honest, most people wouldn't admit that they care more about feeling pretty than being healthy." I stand guilty. I do want to be healthy, but I think I view them as one in the same. I think healthy people are pretty people, but that doesn't make them happy people. I have slowly embraced the idea that unhealthy people can't be happy people.  My instincts tell me "you can't say that", but... I think I can. I've never meet an average person that was "happy fat" I don't believe in "happy fat" I'm not miserable in my own skin, but give me a break! We spend so much of our time hiding that we can miss it and avoid feelings of depression and inferiority. I'm in pursuit of pretty. I want to see the after shot. I want to be the biggest loser. Its like another person living on the inside and even appearing in the mirror that no one else can see. With that being said... I don't have low self esteem, but I also don't put myself in any situation that could highlight my unpretty.

Fast forward 7 months later...

It's been 7 months since my last post. And I have no idea how those 14 days of discipline ended! Another confession... I'm a bad blogger too!  Here's the good news: I did drop those 20 pounds I had gained and dropped an additional 15! I'm currently weighing in at my lightest weight in years! I wanted to write because I still have something to say. I'll post another blog later this week... or in 7 months. Stay Tuned!