Letting Go

Allow me to introduce you to my friend Deejay. Deejay was the acting/directing intern for New Stage this year. One of his first responsibilities was to call and confirm all appointments for general auditions last August.  Deejay had me at hello! Not really... but I couldn't pass that up! Anyway,  the first theatre production of the year was an "Unframed" production of " The Last Stand of Judas Iscariot" I knew I wanted to see the show for two reasons. 1) Judas is one of my favorite characters in the Bible and 2) I knew it would be a wonderful conversation sparker about faith. I was right on both accounts. Judas was my favorite show of the year and I knew exactly where people stood. Deejay played the title character of Judas. Offstage, Deejay is this bundle of energy, a social butterfly and often the life of every party. Clearly we connected almost immediately. This Sunday I have to say goodbye to Deejay. Friends come and go, but saying goodbye to this young fellow is breaking my heart. Somehow this carefree, seemingly reckless person has cracked every wall and barrier I have built and seeped into my heart. I've learned so much from him. He inspires me and pushes me to love the craft of theatre. John Maxwell best describes  it as "the magic" of the theatre. I love him and I'm having the hardest time letting him go. Typically interns stay for one year and move forward in their careers.  This is year I made a point to really invest in the interns instead of keeping my distance. I wanted to make the most of every minute. Here we are at the end of our time together and I've shed more tears than I bargained for 12 months ago. This isn't the the only goodbye that I will endure over the next 6 weeks, but Deejay is the first and the hardest for sure. I've started to ask myself why? What is it about this one that has you to pieces?


Over the last two years my capacity to love has grown tremendously. It's funny because now that I'm writing this... I think there has to be some correlation between learning to love myself again. Anyway, my capacity to love ALL of God's creatures has grown 10 fold. I truly celebrate life. All life. I stand in awe of the potential, the struggle, and the miracle that is every human life . At Hawkins we had two major death tragedies in our family and it's still difficult to process. When most of the world cheered Bin Laden's death... I couldn't.  Even though he destroyed the lives of thousands, I can not celebrate death because life is soo beautiful.  My mother died when I was 18 years old. Death was introduced into my story at far too young a age. I had to accept it as apart of life, but I feel like I'm learning that death isn't the option... LIFE is! To further to prove my point... I dodge squirrels people! A few years ago I wouldn't break for a dog... much less a squirrel! All life is fragile and precious and unbelievably sweet.  


When I try to pinpoint what's happening inside of me... it boils down to this: I truly believe that God allowed me to borrow Deejay for a year. He placed him specifically in Jackson, MS for one year under my care and influence and now I have to give him back. Deejay does not know Jesus, but Jesus knows him quite well. We both are "especially fond" of him. I have learned countless lessons from him about love and hospitality and forgiveness. He would put most Christ followers to shame. I think God used him to remind me that he is still in pursuit of his children. I truly believe that he is running after Deejay and getting closer everyday. It's what I would imagine carrying the Olympic torch would feel like. You only carry it for a brief moment, but you'll remember the honor and privilege of being handed the torch for the rest of your life. It's time for me to pass Deejay to the next person God has in store for His glory. I have to let him go. I have to trust that someone is waiting to love and care for him and whisper the root of the unconditional love that he's seeking. It's a beautiful image, but it's truly breaking my heart. Perhaps God is teaching me to love... like He has undeniably loved me. I really do believe this is the start of something new for me. I can't remember the last time I've been this broken about releasing someone and confident that the role God had/has for me in his story was well played. 


One of my favorite musical theatre songs is from the musical "Children of Eden." (I posted it on my facebook a few days ago.) The song, "Hardest part of Love" is sung by the God character in the show, Father and Noah from the  traditional ark story. Noah is watching as his children make difficult and sometimes bad choices. It's my favorite because Noah has years of wisdom that his children can not receive. They don't trust him. He sings the first two verses himself, then Father... ever present and always watching... joins him on the last verse. 


FATHER:
And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost ohhh

NOAH and FATHER:
But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know

NOAH:
That the hardest part of love

FATHER:
And the rarest part of love

NOAH and FATHER:
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go 

Amen. 

A Tell of Two Cities

I live in two cities. During the past school year I spent most weekday days in Hattiesburg and most nights and weekends in Jackson. I look good. My clothes fit better and I've shopped a few times. I feel pretty, but somethings missing... until a HE agrees with me, it doesn't feel valid.  I've always been somewhat of a late bloomer and I think my harmones are about 16 years old these days! Here's what people haven't figured out... Jackson is full of beautiful men. Beautiful Black Men to be more specific. Everywhere you turn there are these beautiful creatures... leading things and talking about important matters, talking to seemingly important people, but they aints talking to me! WHY!!! I'm soo funny, super smart (average smart), but super insightful to make up for it! Why aren't you validating my new found flirty fashion? This amazing ethic hair I rock? I'm more of a sista-sista than ever! My primary love language is words of affirmation, second to quality time but even words lose their value without quality time to back them up. I love my friends in Jackson because I'm still an out of town friend visiting. I haven't over stayed my welcome and quality time is a daily item on the menu. Here's what I'm discovering these days... I have boundary issues. I so yearn for meaningful relationships with men that I project whatever I want to see in the relationship and/or over analyize every text, encounter or lack there of! Do you remember those adoring qualities that I listed a few lines up (funny, insightful)? Well... its those same qualities that get me landed into the friend zone for life! I'm a great friend, the world's best buddy and really funny! I can't help that. I've tried, but you can't fight the funny people! I give decent advice, I'm a listener and a talker too! Sound familiar? I'm the BEST MAN! NOOOOOO!!! Well... this summer I have really enjoyed reconnecting with my old girlfriend Rachel. Rachel lives in Jackson and has seen my failed attempt to leap out of the friend zone face to face. After processing the debts of my despair she decided to coach me on Flirting 101. The break down: eye contact, active listening, laughing at their jokes, engaging questions, light touch on the arm or leg when possible, and my favorite the eye wink. I know what you're thinking... "Sharon, you do those things naturally all the time! Yay!! I'm sure you passed with flying colors!!" HELL TO THE NO I DIDN'T! It was awful! When I showed Rachel my eye wink she said I quote "For the love of God... don't ever do that again." She went on to say that it looked like a animal in heat, but she's never seen that animal before. Seriously? Seriously. Did I mention she's a great teacher, but brutally honest! After my 101 lesson, we went out on an outing to test the waters. The guy was a hottie... not a stranger, but not in the friend zone yet either.  I invited him to join a group of us after the show. The table is set... me, hottie and teacher Rachel all seated together. It's go time. Go. Eye contact... Active listening... engaging question... SWEAT ON THE NOSE!!! AHHHHH!!! DETOUR! ABORT!!! Just when all seemed lost... here comes teachie teach Rachel to save the day. Rachel takes over the conversation. Eye contact... Active listening... engaging question... laughing at jokes... (is she coming on to him? she's married...) she looks a me and winks... (is she coming on to me??) NOOO... Wait!! I see what she's doing! She's showing me how its done! After a the visual lesson, Rachel lets me take the wheel again. At the end of the night I would say it was a step in the right direction! Now... if I can figure out if he likes girls or boys. Seriously? Seriously. I'll unpack that in another entry! Although the flirting lesson is waaay overdue and has really made the summer a ton more fun... it's not the most important lesson I've learned. I feel like I connect with people in Jackson because they understand the artist in me. I connect with people in Hattiesburg because they anchor me in my faith journey. There is certainly cross over in both worlds, but I'm realizing how much I need that balance. I'm better when I can create art with people I genuinely love. I'm also better when I spend quality time with people who love me and point me to the Creator's love. I'm better because of both cities, but at the same time to live in two places can mean you're not ever fully present anywhere. I had dinner with a friend this week who said. "Sharon, you can't seriously expect to date and eventually get married when you're a visitor everywhere you go." It's a valid point, but it leaves me without a catchy summary to conclude this entry. In the meantime... I'll keep working on my winking skills! :)

Confession... from last October!!

A Confession... 7 months in the making...

My name is Sharon and I'm an addict. My last binge was Friday. I'm addicted to food. Dr. Ian Smith says that people over estimate how physically active they are and under estimate how much they eat. I completely agree. I have gained 20 pounds back! 20!! (Please note that if you're generally willing to to admit 20 its typically more.) When I'm eating responsibly I'm aware of every second of the day as well as every moment that I want food. My strongest cravings are at 10am and 3:30pm. It's so strong that I don't even trust myself to drive pass any food joints! If I even look towards KFC at 3:30... It's like I black out and wake up with crumbs on my shirt! "Number 1 combo, two thighs and a serria mist with no ice." It's Horrible! AND did you know you can have breakfast at Sonic all day long!! Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day... ALL DAY LONG!! So in light of my new recommittment to not avoiding the hard stuff I'm signing up for 14 days of discipline. For 14 days I'm committing to avoid all fast food, exercise twice daily, and weigh-in daily.  I plan to blog about my progress and post at the end of the two weeks.

Day 1- hide in the house most of the day... didn't trust myself to leave and not end up in line...

Day 2- busy day... not nearly as hungry as the day before.

Day 3- back to school... already nervous

I've been watching House. On a recent episode there was a lady that had a gastric bypass surgery that went wrong. In order to be get better she would have had to reverse the surgery and go back to a carb inclusion diet. She refused and House said, " At least she's being honest, most people wouldn't admit that they care more about feeling pretty than being healthy." I stand guilty. I do want to be healthy, but I think I view them as one in the same. I think healthy people are pretty people, but that doesn't make them happy people. I have slowly embraced the idea that unhealthy people can't be happy people.  My instincts tell me "you can't say that", but... I think I can. I've never meet an average person that was "happy fat" I don't believe in "happy fat" I'm not miserable in my own skin, but give me a break! We spend so much of our time hiding that we can miss it and avoid feelings of depression and inferiority. I'm in pursuit of pretty. I want to see the after shot. I want to be the biggest loser. Its like another person living on the inside and even appearing in the mirror that no one else can see. With that being said... I don't have low self esteem, but I also don't put myself in any situation that could highlight my unpretty.

Fast forward 7 months later...

It's been 7 months since my last post. And I have no idea how those 14 days of discipline ended! Another confession... I'm a bad blogger too!  Here's the good news: I did drop those 20 pounds I had gained and dropped an additional 15! I'm currently weighing in at my lightest weight in years! I wanted to write because I still have something to say. I'll post another blog later this week... or in 7 months. Stay Tuned! 

32 Miles in 32 Minutes...

It's Sunday night ... ten minutes before the stroke of midnight. BUT this is no typical Sunday night because in ten minutes I will blog my way into another year of life. In ten minutes I'll be one step further from my youth and one step closer to middle age. In ten minutes... it'll be my 32nd birthday.  I've never had an issue with growing older. My mother instilled at an early age that "every grey hair is a story worth telling." I believed her... even when she started dying her hair! Even though I am more comfortable than most with the aspect of aging... I'm still hit with the questions. What are you doing with your life? Are you happy? What do you have to show for it? Are you ok? Well, I don't own a house, the bumper of my car is hanging on by a clothes hanger,  and another year has passed with little or no prospects of a husband anywhere on the horizon! Any of which could easily spin a woman my age into a quarter life crisis! I'm Claire Huxtable without Bill,  Elizabeth Bennett without Mr. Darcy, Kate without a Jack or a Sawyer! My list of have nots may appear extensive, but that's not where this story ends.

Ladies and Gentlemen... my I present "32 miles in 32 minutes"

This Sunday night started with an invitation that I couldn't refuse. Before church Colbey informed me that her three daughters had a birthday gift for me and that I had to come get it TONIGHT.  I, like anyone who has ever meet the Sparkettes, had little or no chance of declining their offer. When I arrived at their home I was greeted with a poster board reading "32 miles in 32 minutes" I knew that somebody was up to something. Colbey and Larry had prepared my favorite appetizer, tomato sandwiches and a strawberry, walnut salad with raspberry vinaigrette! I love those little sandwiches!! Colbey took it upon herself to warn me not to eat to much because I still had many miles ahead of me! At that moment I thought about running out the door with the plate, but I remembered that she has never stirred me in the wrong direction.  Most importantly I got 32 minutes with one of my favorite families and several original master pieces from the Sparkettes to display on my refrigerator.

32 minutes later I was in the car and driving to Jeri and Jonathan's for dinner. Katie greeted me at the door and guided me into the living room for dinner theatre starring Kate and Jeri. They performed "sixteen going on seventeen" from the Sound of Music. I should mention that Jeri was dressed in drag and quite convincing too. It's no secret that I love the theatre. If I could pick something to do every week for the rest of my life it would involve seeing live theatre. Kate and Jeri worked out staging,  choreography and memorized the lyrics to boot! I couldn't contain my tears. They know how much theatre means to me and took the time to create a theatrical moment just for me. Afterwards I was lead into the dining room to read "a few of my favorite things" Jeri had taken the time to contact several of my out of town friends and asked them to share a 'favorite thing' about me. Again, I am humbled to tears not only at the words of affirmation from my oldest and dearest friends, but also that they took the time to reach beyond the Hattiesburg City limits. Dinner came from Jutmamas... a local Thai favorite.  Dinner with Jeri, Jonathan, Katie, Warren, Kate and Toby.

32 minutes later I'm blind folded and in the car heading to have dessert at the Willis House. After removing my blind fold I was surprised once again by who was present in the room! The Willis family of course, even Taylor who was home for a weekend visit, Marie and Billie, and most surprising... my cousin Tremayne! Steve prepared his famous pound cake and smothered it in vanilla and chocolate ice cream! We sat and I shared about the night thus far... only to have another surprise just around the corner. Margie and Jennifer came up to Hawkins a lot last week. I, being the egotistical person I am, was confident that they were simply happy to see me! Not to mention... Jennifer becomes my co-worker in two days! Well... they were in fact gathering audio recordings from my Hawkins family. They recorded my closet friends and a few of my favorite students! The words on the recording made me laugh out loud and moved me to silent tears. There is one student in particular that's after my heart. Otis after taking a few deep breaths said "Ms. Sharon helps me find myself. She gave me my mentor. He helps me a lot." The recording ended with a group of second graders singing happy birthday at the top of their lungs! It was a special treat indeed.

32 minutes later... the final stop on the journey. With my blindfold in place... we arrive at the Dixon home. It's dark and super quite so I have no idea what to expect... then it starts... that very familiar guitar strum that warms my heart to the brink of bursting... Christmas Caroling!! The blind fold is removed and I see the Hub City Carolers reunited for one special performance in August! They start to sing my favorite song on top of that! "Do you hear what I hear/ Joy to the World" is my favorite carol ever! Sarah and Mike had taken the time to put up Christmas decorations, bake cookies and make hot chocolate! It really was Christmas with scarves around the neck and gifts under a tree!!!  Present: Jennifer, Margie, Steve, Taylor, Mike, Sarah, Melanie, Toby, Kate, Lindsey S. , Lindsay P. , Daniel, Jonathan, Jeri, Kyle, Bille, Marie, Katie and Warren! This group is well aware that Christmas brings joy to my heart that reaches far beyond the Holiday season allotted. In fact what they didn't know is that I had seriously considered putting up my Christmas tree the day before. I told myself that I could put it up and no one had to know. It would be my little secret... my precious, but I thought better because I suck at containing excitement! Thankfully the dose of Christmas I received last night will suffice... until October when the season officially begins!!

At the end of this night... My 32 miles has come to an end, but my 32 years is just beginning. Thanks to the amazing group of people that I get to share life with... tonight my list of have nots seems laughable even to me. 32... and what do you have to show for it? Life... A beautiful life that is surrounded by people who care enough to acknowledge my fears with dignity, cover my flaws with grace and go out of their way to ensure that for this night there is no space to doubt how deeply I am loved. Tonight even the critics that live inside my head telling me that my personality is too much, that my insecurities are too many or that I am simply invisible... were silenced. The only voice that was evident was "Papa"... asking me to see with my eyes, feel with my heart and accept once and for all that her great love for her children out weighs any tactic used against me. My cup literally runneth over.  I will end with a quote that sums up everything better that I can "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments take your breath away." Amen. Best Birthday Ever!

Lessons Painted in Purple

A few weeks ago I traveled to Jackson to see "The Color Purple" twice! Which means that by the end of that week I had seen the show a total of 4 times! I know that's extreme, but while other people were watching "The Breakfast Club and "Footloose" we were watching "The Color Purple" on repeat! However seeing the show this time was completely different. It was much more meaningful because I shared something I love with people I love.  I think everything in life is that way... more meaningful with people than going it alone. I've learned the hard way that I am not the easiest person to walk beside. On one hand I'm an open book... you don't even have to ask and I will give you an extended play by play. I thrive on details. Everyday presents a story worth sharing because no one else is living your life! I love that! If my day is a reality tv show, what I share with you is the edited version of the script. The only person who watches the bonus features and doesn't fast forward through the commercial breaks (or break downs) is Jesus, but he has DVR so time doesn't really hinder his attentiveness. Anyway, my point is I've realized that walking beside people isn't an easy task because inviting people in can be very difficult.

I was the youngest of four children, by the time I came around my parents were busy and they had seen it all before. I distinctly remember my transition into "womanhood"as one of  the most anti-climatic moments of my life. Trust... third time was NOT the charm. In fact the most rememberable moment was when I asked my Dad for money for female products and my Mom was completely embarrassed and left the room. That was the first of many "I'm missing something, over- share" moments that my Dad lucky can't remember. I learned early to entertain myself, to enjoy my own company and I still do til this day! In case you missed it... I'm really funny! On top of that I've always been single. And US single girls have to learn to do it for yourself! There's no time to wait for Prince Charming to show up! He's either too busy chasing Daisy Duke and Polly Prostitute or he's gay! Either way... he ain't knocking on my door anytime soon. As a kid every church service had a themed message that "all you need is Jesus!" If you dared to want anything more you betta pray about that! Well...  I don't think that's true anymore... we all need Jesus and each other. We were created for "be with"... "God is with us." We are his/her extended hands to each other and the world. I've learned that when I'm in a dark place... I need another person to help me see what's right in front of me. When the voices in my head are only pointing out the things that didn't work out or things that are going wrong... I need someone to reflect Jesus and point out what's right in the world.  Here's a excerpt from my favorite scene from "The Color Purple":
CELIE: God forgot about me!

SHUG: God takin' his time getting around to you, I admit, but look at all he give us.
Laughin', and singin', and sex. Sky over our heads, birds singin' to us. I think it piss
God off if anybody even walk past the color purple in a field and not notice it. He
say, "look what I made for you."

I am both characters in the scene.  I've witnessed people going through who needed someone to help them remember the beautiful canvass of color that is the human story. On a good day I was able to help them smile for a moment and point out that my favorite color is everywhere... green!  I've also experienced my own shadow of death. Just when I was ready to settle into a dark place... God knew just who to send to smile on me. Life is meant to be lived with people. Our scripts are meant to be read aloud for an audience. We all have a role to play. You just don't know which day you'll be the Celie or the Shug. But what you can count on is that everyday there will always be Purple... in a memory, in community, in a field...  just accept that you need it and learn to look for it. 
"LIKE A BLADE OF CORN, LIKE A HONEYBEE,
LIKE A WATERFALL, ALL A PART OF ME.
LIKE THE COLOR PURPLE, WHERE DO IT COME FROM?
OPEN UP YOUR EYES, LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE."

Amen. 

The Biggest Winner...

So... In January like most people I made a few new year resolutions. Most people tend to shy away from admitting they have them because they didn't follow through on it. If I remember correctly I only set three goals... 1) Start this blog... SCORE!!  2) Read a book a month. (I have read 2 and I had to decide that reading plays counted in order to achieve it!) 3) Finally auditioning for "The Biggest Loser." I auditioned in March and apparently I wasn't right for the show this seaaon. The process of auditioning for the show has greatly effected me. The audition process involves filling out an application, taking a few photos of yourself, making a video that's 10 to 15 minutes long, and telling your story. There are over 250,000 people who audition for the show and only 24 will win the lottery. The odds were not in my favor, but the process itself takes you to a point of no return.

Finding my story. I'm morbidly obese. (100+ overweight) I have never been in love, never been kissed, and never had sex... but I guess the first two nevers could have spelled that out for ya! Anyway, I thought my list of nevers was unique... different enough to set me apart. On top of that I work for a non-profit, in a low income neighborhood with kids, and I'm an artist!! I got this in the bag! BUT the first thing I learned is that I am not alone in my list. There are other people who have a similar story and the same list of nevers! If this were a movie script this is where you que the soft music to start playing and I would feel this sense of unity and peace that none of us are on our own. You may even see a hug and a few tears. Well... Hell to da NAW!! What!! I wish I was the only Virgin Mary over 30 in the world!! Breaking News... This lady has the panty patrol on lock... for real this time!! Oh well... that was not the case. SO... what's my story? I'm the only person living my life... what's so great about me? I found my answer by taking a closer look at my past. Toward the end of January I was franticly looking for a book to read before I failed for the month. I looked under my bed in a storage box and found two journals from junior high and high school. You should know that I haven't opened my journals in 10+ years. When I opened the books ... it was like I was reading the pages of someone's life that I once knew, but had long forgotten. Here's what I discovered: I was certainly a teenager in every aspect of the stereotype. I was totally boy crazy ( I'm sooo not gay), every situation was life or death (drama, drama, drama), and I was completely misunderstood (teenage drama queen)! I could blog about the content of my journals for the next ten years. If I took them to a shrink they might request that I spend a little quality time at Pine Grove, but that's not what I took from them.

My journals reminded me that all my life I've been hiding behind something. I've hid behind my charming personality, my witty sense of humor, my faith, and even the color of my skin. But my most revealing hiding place has been my weight. Throughout my journals there were numerous comments about wanting to lose weight or how different my life would be without the weight. Page after page... the weight was all consuming. Serving as an excuse when needed or the reason for feeling excluded... it was my ace in the pocket. "The Biggest Loser" insists that you come out of hiding. The process demands that you expose layer after layer of your most intimate struggles. But what happens when you don't make it to the ranch? You're still left with your layers exposed and there's no closet big enough to stuff them back into. I feel like the 'pieces of my brokenness' just got bigger. Everyday has been different since I committed to audition for the show and especially since I read my journals. I'm addicted to food, but more importantly I'm addicted to hiding. What if I lose this weight and I'm still in pursuit of pretty, in pursuit of significance, of change? What then? I think apart of me is not only afraid of failure, but equally afraid of success. So... where do we go from here? I don't know. I turned to food... gained weight. Turned to shopping... making returns this week. Turned to depression... still digging my way out of  it. Turned to Jesus ... we've cried a lot, but we're working through it... page by page.

As apart of the audition, I went home to work on a cheer with my niece Kashayla and a few of her friends. At the end of the cheer all of the girls chant... "She's a big loser, she's a big loser" and I respond with "No! I'm The Biggest Loser!" After the third run through my little nephew Kameran interrupts us to say, "But you're not the biggest loser... you're the biggest winner." The sincerity of his words melted my heart. I am the biggest winner. I won the best prize of all... another chance for a better story. Too many people live their life in fragments... incomplete because of dark shadows in the corners of their past. But fragments don't equal abundant life. I'm coming out... of hiding that is. Page by page, layer by layer... in pursuit of a better story.

Alone In The Dark...

Sunday night we had a Easter Potluck at church. There were a team of people who were responsible for setting up and breaking down the event. This was their first event and they did a outstanding job. Here's the unspoken Sunday routine: Mike gets there early and leads in the set up and I lock the doors at the end of the night. Typically I lock the front doors after Mike leaves and 5 minutes later I'm in the car, but tonight was different. Now most people think churches are creepy in after dark... they're afraid of what might be lurking behind the pews.  If you talk to Average Joe, he will tell you an empty church at night is plain spooky. I on the other hand, have always been more bothered by what can happen in church in plain daylight that I can SEE... that Average Joe is clueless about! During the potluck the front doors were open, but we were all in the back of the church. After we finished cleaning I was in the church for at least another 20 minutes all alone. As I begin my typical shut down routine it dawns on me that if someone came in while we were in the back... 1) no one would ever know it, 2) two they could still be in the building 3) I am completely alone. As I turned off the many lights in the sanctuary... one by one, the darkness starts to fill the church and my over active imagination is kicking it in high gear! Te conversation in my head went something like this:"Did I you hear that?" "Don't be crazy" "Is that me breathing or someone else?" "You're huffing like a dog in heat!" "This is not the time for jokes! Shut-up so I can hear!" "I'm totally losing it!" TOGETHER: FOCUS!! I start to recite the walking path... From the sanctuary, to the chapel, to the hallway, to the bathrooms, to the office, to the exit door, to the car, to the dumpster, back to the car. Once I was in the safety of my car my mind settles on one thought:  when you're dating or married, someone waits to see if you make to the car. Someone wants to know that you made the transition from the dark parking lot without harm. When you're single... Good Luck SUCKA!! You betta be packing heat cause you is on your own!! Ain;t nobody looking out for you! Ain't nobody calling to make sure I got home. They wouldn't know til 9 or so the next day! Alone in the dark. 

So... on the long list of things that would be nice about having a significant other... is being significant. I don't know a married or dating woman that would be allowed to do what I do every week. But I know that if someone offered to stay I might send them home. The world of a single lady is so complicated because you learn to do life without much assistance. I am not the most feminine female on the block. I do wear earrings now, I carry a purse and I'll even rock a dress from time to time. But I still hesitate to need anyone- especially a man!  Where does it stem from? The majority of its rooted in being seen and treated as one of the boys my entire life. I wanted to be the girl they could talk to like one of the guys, but hopefully one they would want to date! I've always prided myself on being really strong and independant, but I think it was rooted in the fear that because I wasn't pretty they wouldn't offer to help me anyway. Truth be told I still live in that place more days than not. I'm a big girl. When you think about the helpless lady in need of rescuing is she thick or thin?  Is she shy or outspoken? Is she black or white? My answer is the complete opposite of me. Now picture Eve in the Garden of Eden... What does she look like? My answer is the opposite of me... expect she does have dark skin. YES!! :) Now picture what our culture has presented as pretty for the last 20 years. Before Queen Latifiah, MoNique, And that Girl from Precious... being big was just rumored to be beautiful by the fat boys in the 80's! LIAR!! Trust me no little fat girl was sitting around wanting to be Neil Carter or Fat Alberta! No thank you!! Big is only beautiful in Africa and that's cause they want to know how you managed that!! (no really ... they asked me that!)  

I feel like I must point out that I don't walk alone in my life. I have friendships that are priceless and my family is always a phone call away. I've had a rare gift of walking beside mentors and friends that have helped to shape and evolve everything I ever thought to be true in this world. Most people don't get to process the reason behind their actions, faith, struggles etc. I have genuine relationships with people who celebrate with me, but they also have earned the right to ask me difficult questions too. I know who I can turn to for the ugly truth and that's a gift.  I think it's just moments like Sunday night that make me pause and think how different my life looks from most of the people in my community. What I'm learning is how to connect the feelings I had walking to the car with the bigger story/ issues in my life.  All little girls were not dainty, but if they were that didn't make them weak.  I tend to see needy as weak... in every relationship. I'm learning the difference between I need you to be in my life and I want you to be in my life. 8 times out of 10, I have the option to include people or walk alone. I can invite people in or shut people out.  I can ask you to stay or encourage you to leave. I'm still trying to find the balance, but  I'm finally analyzing it with all the light on.