32 Miles in 32 Minutes...

It's Sunday night ... ten minutes before the stroke of midnight. BUT this is no typical Sunday night because in ten minutes I will blog my way into another year of life. In ten minutes I'll be one step further from my youth and one step closer to middle age. In ten minutes... it'll be my 32nd birthday.  I've never had an issue with growing older. My mother instilled at an early age that "every grey hair is a story worth telling." I believed her... even when she started dying her hair! Even though I am more comfortable than most with the aspect of aging... I'm still hit with the questions. What are you doing with your life? Are you happy? What do you have to show for it? Are you ok? Well, I don't own a house, the bumper of my car is hanging on by a clothes hanger,  and another year has passed with little or no prospects of a husband anywhere on the horizon! Any of which could easily spin a woman my age into a quarter life crisis! I'm Claire Huxtable without Bill,  Elizabeth Bennett without Mr. Darcy, Kate without a Jack or a Sawyer! My list of have nots may appear extensive, but that's not where this story ends.

Ladies and Gentlemen... my I present "32 miles in 32 minutes"

This Sunday night started with an invitation that I couldn't refuse. Before church Colbey informed me that her three daughters had a birthday gift for me and that I had to come get it TONIGHT.  I, like anyone who has ever meet the Sparkettes, had little or no chance of declining their offer. When I arrived at their home I was greeted with a poster board reading "32 miles in 32 minutes" I knew that somebody was up to something. Colbey and Larry had prepared my favorite appetizer, tomato sandwiches and a strawberry, walnut salad with raspberry vinaigrette! I love those little sandwiches!! Colbey took it upon herself to warn me not to eat to much because I still had many miles ahead of me! At that moment I thought about running out the door with the plate, but I remembered that she has never stirred me in the wrong direction.  Most importantly I got 32 minutes with one of my favorite families and several original master pieces from the Sparkettes to display on my refrigerator.

32 minutes later I was in the car and driving to Jeri and Jonathan's for dinner. Katie greeted me at the door and guided me into the living room for dinner theatre starring Kate and Jeri. They performed "sixteen going on seventeen" from the Sound of Music. I should mention that Jeri was dressed in drag and quite convincing too. It's no secret that I love the theatre. If I could pick something to do every week for the rest of my life it would involve seeing live theatre. Kate and Jeri worked out staging,  choreography and memorized the lyrics to boot! I couldn't contain my tears. They know how much theatre means to me and took the time to create a theatrical moment just for me. Afterwards I was lead into the dining room to read "a few of my favorite things" Jeri had taken the time to contact several of my out of town friends and asked them to share a 'favorite thing' about me. Again, I am humbled to tears not only at the words of affirmation from my oldest and dearest friends, but also that they took the time to reach beyond the Hattiesburg City limits. Dinner came from Jutmamas... a local Thai favorite.  Dinner with Jeri, Jonathan, Katie, Warren, Kate and Toby.

32 minutes later I'm blind folded and in the car heading to have dessert at the Willis House. After removing my blind fold I was surprised once again by who was present in the room! The Willis family of course, even Taylor who was home for a weekend visit, Marie and Billie, and most surprising... my cousin Tremayne! Steve prepared his famous pound cake and smothered it in vanilla and chocolate ice cream! We sat and I shared about the night thus far... only to have another surprise just around the corner. Margie and Jennifer came up to Hawkins a lot last week. I, being the egotistical person I am, was confident that they were simply happy to see me! Not to mention... Jennifer becomes my co-worker in two days! Well... they were in fact gathering audio recordings from my Hawkins family. They recorded my closet friends and a few of my favorite students! The words on the recording made me laugh out loud and moved me to silent tears. There is one student in particular that's after my heart. Otis after taking a few deep breaths said "Ms. Sharon helps me find myself. She gave me my mentor. He helps me a lot." The recording ended with a group of second graders singing happy birthday at the top of their lungs! It was a special treat indeed.

32 minutes later... the final stop on the journey. With my blindfold in place... we arrive at the Dixon home. It's dark and super quite so I have no idea what to expect... then it starts... that very familiar guitar strum that warms my heart to the brink of bursting... Christmas Caroling!! The blind fold is removed and I see the Hub City Carolers reunited for one special performance in August! They start to sing my favorite song on top of that! "Do you hear what I hear/ Joy to the World" is my favorite carol ever! Sarah and Mike had taken the time to put up Christmas decorations, bake cookies and make hot chocolate! It really was Christmas with scarves around the neck and gifts under a tree!!!  Present: Jennifer, Margie, Steve, Taylor, Mike, Sarah, Melanie, Toby, Kate, Lindsey S. , Lindsay P. , Daniel, Jonathan, Jeri, Kyle, Bille, Marie, Katie and Warren! This group is well aware that Christmas brings joy to my heart that reaches far beyond the Holiday season allotted. In fact what they didn't know is that I had seriously considered putting up my Christmas tree the day before. I told myself that I could put it up and no one had to know. It would be my little secret... my precious, but I thought better because I suck at containing excitement! Thankfully the dose of Christmas I received last night will suffice... until October when the season officially begins!!

At the end of this night... My 32 miles has come to an end, but my 32 years is just beginning. Thanks to the amazing group of people that I get to share life with... tonight my list of have nots seems laughable even to me. 32... and what do you have to show for it? Life... A beautiful life that is surrounded by people who care enough to acknowledge my fears with dignity, cover my flaws with grace and go out of their way to ensure that for this night there is no space to doubt how deeply I am loved. Tonight even the critics that live inside my head telling me that my personality is too much, that my insecurities are too many or that I am simply invisible... were silenced. The only voice that was evident was "Papa"... asking me to see with my eyes, feel with my heart and accept once and for all that her great love for her children out weighs any tactic used against me. My cup literally runneth over.  I will end with a quote that sums up everything better that I can "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments take your breath away." Amen. Best Birthday Ever!

Lessons Painted in Purple

A few weeks ago I traveled to Jackson to see "The Color Purple" twice! Which means that by the end of that week I had seen the show a total of 4 times! I know that's extreme, but while other people were watching "The Breakfast Club and "Footloose" we were watching "The Color Purple" on repeat! However seeing the show this time was completely different. It was much more meaningful because I shared something I love with people I love.  I think everything in life is that way... more meaningful with people than going it alone. I've learned the hard way that I am not the easiest person to walk beside. On one hand I'm an open book... you don't even have to ask and I will give you an extended play by play. I thrive on details. Everyday presents a story worth sharing because no one else is living your life! I love that! If my day is a reality tv show, what I share with you is the edited version of the script. The only person who watches the bonus features and doesn't fast forward through the commercial breaks (or break downs) is Jesus, but he has DVR so time doesn't really hinder his attentiveness. Anyway, my point is I've realized that walking beside people isn't an easy task because inviting people in can be very difficult.

I was the youngest of four children, by the time I came around my parents were busy and they had seen it all before. I distinctly remember my transition into "womanhood"as one of  the most anti-climatic moments of my life. Trust... third time was NOT the charm. In fact the most rememberable moment was when I asked my Dad for money for female products and my Mom was completely embarrassed and left the room. That was the first of many "I'm missing something, over- share" moments that my Dad lucky can't remember. I learned early to entertain myself, to enjoy my own company and I still do til this day! In case you missed it... I'm really funny! On top of that I've always been single. And US single girls have to learn to do it for yourself! There's no time to wait for Prince Charming to show up! He's either too busy chasing Daisy Duke and Polly Prostitute or he's gay! Either way... he ain't knocking on my door anytime soon. As a kid every church service had a themed message that "all you need is Jesus!" If you dared to want anything more you betta pray about that! Well...  I don't think that's true anymore... we all need Jesus and each other. We were created for "be with"... "God is with us." We are his/her extended hands to each other and the world. I've learned that when I'm in a dark place... I need another person to help me see what's right in front of me. When the voices in my head are only pointing out the things that didn't work out or things that are going wrong... I need someone to reflect Jesus and point out what's right in the world.  Here's a excerpt from my favorite scene from "The Color Purple":
CELIE: God forgot about me!

SHUG: God takin' his time getting around to you, I admit, but look at all he give us.
Laughin', and singin', and sex. Sky over our heads, birds singin' to us. I think it piss
God off if anybody even walk past the color purple in a field and not notice it. He
say, "look what I made for you."

I am both characters in the scene.  I've witnessed people going through who needed someone to help them remember the beautiful canvass of color that is the human story. On a good day I was able to help them smile for a moment and point out that my favorite color is everywhere... green!  I've also experienced my own shadow of death. Just when I was ready to settle into a dark place... God knew just who to send to smile on me. Life is meant to be lived with people. Our scripts are meant to be read aloud for an audience. We all have a role to play. You just don't know which day you'll be the Celie or the Shug. But what you can count on is that everyday there will always be Purple... in a memory, in community, in a field...  just accept that you need it and learn to look for it. 
"LIKE A BLADE OF CORN, LIKE A HONEYBEE,
LIKE A WATERFALL, ALL A PART OF ME.
LIKE THE COLOR PURPLE, WHERE DO IT COME FROM?
OPEN UP YOUR EYES, LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE."

Amen. 

The Biggest Winner...

So... In January like most people I made a few new year resolutions. Most people tend to shy away from admitting they have them because they didn't follow through on it. If I remember correctly I only set three goals... 1) Start this blog... SCORE!!  2) Read a book a month. (I have read 2 and I had to decide that reading plays counted in order to achieve it!) 3) Finally auditioning for "The Biggest Loser." I auditioned in March and apparently I wasn't right for the show this seaaon. The process of auditioning for the show has greatly effected me. The audition process involves filling out an application, taking a few photos of yourself, making a video that's 10 to 15 minutes long, and telling your story. There are over 250,000 people who audition for the show and only 24 will win the lottery. The odds were not in my favor, but the process itself takes you to a point of no return.

Finding my story. I'm morbidly obese. (100+ overweight) I have never been in love, never been kissed, and never had sex... but I guess the first two nevers could have spelled that out for ya! Anyway, I thought my list of nevers was unique... different enough to set me apart. On top of that I work for a non-profit, in a low income neighborhood with kids, and I'm an artist!! I got this in the bag! BUT the first thing I learned is that I am not alone in my list. There are other people who have a similar story and the same list of nevers! If this were a movie script this is where you que the soft music to start playing and I would feel this sense of unity and peace that none of us are on our own. You may even see a hug and a few tears. Well... Hell to da NAW!! What!! I wish I was the only Virgin Mary over 30 in the world!! Breaking News... This lady has the panty patrol on lock... for real this time!! Oh well... that was not the case. SO... what's my story? I'm the only person living my life... what's so great about me? I found my answer by taking a closer look at my past. Toward the end of January I was franticly looking for a book to read before I failed for the month. I looked under my bed in a storage box and found two journals from junior high and high school. You should know that I haven't opened my journals in 10+ years. When I opened the books ... it was like I was reading the pages of someone's life that I once knew, but had long forgotten. Here's what I discovered: I was certainly a teenager in every aspect of the stereotype. I was totally boy crazy ( I'm sooo not gay), every situation was life or death (drama, drama, drama), and I was completely misunderstood (teenage drama queen)! I could blog about the content of my journals for the next ten years. If I took them to a shrink they might request that I spend a little quality time at Pine Grove, but that's not what I took from them.

My journals reminded me that all my life I've been hiding behind something. I've hid behind my charming personality, my witty sense of humor, my faith, and even the color of my skin. But my most revealing hiding place has been my weight. Throughout my journals there were numerous comments about wanting to lose weight or how different my life would be without the weight. Page after page... the weight was all consuming. Serving as an excuse when needed or the reason for feeling excluded... it was my ace in the pocket. "The Biggest Loser" insists that you come out of hiding. The process demands that you expose layer after layer of your most intimate struggles. But what happens when you don't make it to the ranch? You're still left with your layers exposed and there's no closet big enough to stuff them back into. I feel like the 'pieces of my brokenness' just got bigger. Everyday has been different since I committed to audition for the show and especially since I read my journals. I'm addicted to food, but more importantly I'm addicted to hiding. What if I lose this weight and I'm still in pursuit of pretty, in pursuit of significance, of change? What then? I think apart of me is not only afraid of failure, but equally afraid of success. So... where do we go from here? I don't know. I turned to food... gained weight. Turned to shopping... making returns this week. Turned to depression... still digging my way out of  it. Turned to Jesus ... we've cried a lot, but we're working through it... page by page.

As apart of the audition, I went home to work on a cheer with my niece Kashayla and a few of her friends. At the end of the cheer all of the girls chant... "She's a big loser, she's a big loser" and I respond with "No! I'm The Biggest Loser!" After the third run through my little nephew Kameran interrupts us to say, "But you're not the biggest loser... you're the biggest winner." The sincerity of his words melted my heart. I am the biggest winner. I won the best prize of all... another chance for a better story. Too many people live their life in fragments... incomplete because of dark shadows in the corners of their past. But fragments don't equal abundant life. I'm coming out... of hiding that is. Page by page, layer by layer... in pursuit of a better story.

Alone In The Dark...

Sunday night we had a Easter Potluck at church. There were a team of people who were responsible for setting up and breaking down the event. This was their first event and they did a outstanding job. Here's the unspoken Sunday routine: Mike gets there early and leads in the set up and I lock the doors at the end of the night. Typically I lock the front doors after Mike leaves and 5 minutes later I'm in the car, but tonight was different. Now most people think churches are creepy in after dark... they're afraid of what might be lurking behind the pews.  If you talk to Average Joe, he will tell you an empty church at night is plain spooky. I on the other hand, have always been more bothered by what can happen in church in plain daylight that I can SEE... that Average Joe is clueless about! During the potluck the front doors were open, but we were all in the back of the church. After we finished cleaning I was in the church for at least another 20 minutes all alone. As I begin my typical shut down routine it dawns on me that if someone came in while we were in the back... 1) no one would ever know it, 2) two they could still be in the building 3) I am completely alone. As I turned off the many lights in the sanctuary... one by one, the darkness starts to fill the church and my over active imagination is kicking it in high gear! Te conversation in my head went something like this:"Did I you hear that?" "Don't be crazy" "Is that me breathing or someone else?" "You're huffing like a dog in heat!" "This is not the time for jokes! Shut-up so I can hear!" "I'm totally losing it!" TOGETHER: FOCUS!! I start to recite the walking path... From the sanctuary, to the chapel, to the hallway, to the bathrooms, to the office, to the exit door, to the car, to the dumpster, back to the car. Once I was in the safety of my car my mind settles on one thought:  when you're dating or married, someone waits to see if you make to the car. Someone wants to know that you made the transition from the dark parking lot without harm. When you're single... Good Luck SUCKA!! You betta be packing heat cause you is on your own!! Ain;t nobody looking out for you! Ain't nobody calling to make sure I got home. They wouldn't know til 9 or so the next day! Alone in the dark. 

So... on the long list of things that would be nice about having a significant other... is being significant. I don't know a married or dating woman that would be allowed to do what I do every week. But I know that if someone offered to stay I might send them home. The world of a single lady is so complicated because you learn to do life without much assistance. I am not the most feminine female on the block. I do wear earrings now, I carry a purse and I'll even rock a dress from time to time. But I still hesitate to need anyone- especially a man!  Where does it stem from? The majority of its rooted in being seen and treated as one of the boys my entire life. I wanted to be the girl they could talk to like one of the guys, but hopefully one they would want to date! I've always prided myself on being really strong and independant, but I think it was rooted in the fear that because I wasn't pretty they wouldn't offer to help me anyway. Truth be told I still live in that place more days than not. I'm a big girl. When you think about the helpless lady in need of rescuing is she thick or thin?  Is she shy or outspoken? Is she black or white? My answer is the complete opposite of me. Now picture Eve in the Garden of Eden... What does she look like? My answer is the opposite of me... expect she does have dark skin. YES!! :) Now picture what our culture has presented as pretty for the last 20 years. Before Queen Latifiah, MoNique, And that Girl from Precious... being big was just rumored to be beautiful by the fat boys in the 80's! LIAR!! Trust me no little fat girl was sitting around wanting to be Neil Carter or Fat Alberta! No thank you!! Big is only beautiful in Africa and that's cause they want to know how you managed that!! (no really ... they asked me that!)  

I feel like I must point out that I don't walk alone in my life. I have friendships that are priceless and my family is always a phone call away. I've had a rare gift of walking beside mentors and friends that have helped to shape and evolve everything I ever thought to be true in this world. Most people don't get to process the reason behind their actions, faith, struggles etc. I have genuine relationships with people who celebrate with me, but they also have earned the right to ask me difficult questions too. I know who I can turn to for the ugly truth and that's a gift.  I think it's just moments like Sunday night that make me pause and think how different my life looks from most of the people in my community. What I'm learning is how to connect the feelings I had walking to the car with the bigger story/ issues in my life.  All little girls were not dainty, but if they were that didn't make them weak.  I tend to see needy as weak... in every relationship. I'm learning the difference between I need you to be in my life and I want you to be in my life. 8 times out of 10, I have the option to include people or walk alone. I can invite people in or shut people out.  I can ask you to stay or encourage you to leave. I'm still trying to find the balance, but  I'm finally analyzing it with all the light on. 

Easter Sunday

Another Easter Sunday approaches and once again I'm sitting... pondering. Easter has always been a very significant holiday in my life. Growing up I dreaded Easter Sunday because of all the attention given on the hair and the clothes etc. But on the other hand it was also my opportunity to showcase my upper hand. I could memorize my Easter Speech and deliver it flawlessly, while many others cracked under the pressure... I shined! Several years later when I was a freshman in college I was in a show rehearing during Easter weekend and  decided not to make extra efforts to find a ride home. My parents offered to come get me, but I thought that would be to much for them. This particular Easter my family paused to take a rare family portrait after church and everyone was present except for me.  I spent Easter alone crying in my dorm room and watching a church that I would never choose to attend on TV. A week later my parents came down to visit me, see the show and left Sunday afternoon. Less than 24 hours later my mom suffered a heart attack and passed away. That picture on Easter Sunday was the last picture she took and was certainly the last time the family was all together... expect for me of course. Since then there always this fear in my head that life changes after Easter. I fear that someone will be missing from the next picture. Life is lived in little life changing moments... the problem is you never know when you're in one. 


This Easter I'm sitting here alone again (for the time being), but using this time to ponder. It was this time last year that I first started to diet and begin the pursuit to take control of my life. A year into this... I've done okay. I haven't given up, I've motivated others to try and opened up more than I ever thought possible about my most intimate struggle. The thing about confronting your weight issues is this... you can't hide anymore. As a over weight person you spend your life masking the weight, hiding behind clothes that help you look thinner. If you're average weight... you'd be amazed at how much belly the right shirt will camouflage. And if you're obese... sorry, but it's not hiding nearly as much as you hope! I heard a girl talking on Dr. Oz yesterday that said that she feels like her entire life would be different if she hadn't been overweight the majority of her life. She wasn't emotional, but I was emotional for her and me and all of the little girls that didn't lose their "baby fat" all over the world. Donald Miller says that God is the narrator of our story. He says that the Narrator will whisper opportunities for a better story and you have to decide to take it or leave it. The longer you walk with the God the more you learn to listen to those whispers because they will lead you to a better life. The artist in me LOVES how Donald Miller cast the characters. I just wish I'd read the book 15 years ago... 5 years ago... before the many mistakes of yesterday were written on my pages. I believe that God's hand has crafted more moments than we will ever realize and we certainly can't limit what he/she can do with a open heart. However we can and do limit ourselves. I am my own worse enemy. My instinct is to say I can't as oppose to hope that I can. My gut tells me to quit even when there is a desire to push ahead. My insecurities tell my to stand-down because you won't be counted anyway. You'll be the one that's overlooked... invisible. I'm the protagonist and the antagonist at the same time. 


This Easter my heart and mind return to the great story. God looked down on creation, smiled and said "That's good." Creation got so cluttered with noise... they could no longer distinguish the Narrator from the noise. God leans over to Jesus and whispers " They need a chance at a better story, son. Here's what I've been thinking..." Jesus and the Holy Spirit both look at each other, lean in and say "Now... that's good." The old story becomes new through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. And creation is extended a whisper once again to live a better story. Jesus returns to his seat and the Holy Spirit is still in the business of whispering to us that "death brings life." No different than the leaves on the trees, the grass on the ground, and the pedals on the rose bush... "death brings life" is a running theme throughout this story. So, I was right... Life does change after Easter and this Easter is no different. I have to let a few things die to experience the resurrection. I have to let some bad habits die, a few broken relationships die and the hardest for me... I have to let a few dreams die in order to resurrect a new one and live a better story. And today I'm confident that when I can finally see how all the pieces fit together I too will lean into the Great Narrator and say "Now... that's real good!" 

And the Wimp Award goes to...

Soo... I started this year with a new determination to tackle this weight once and for all, BUT that failed quickly. I can give myself at least 9 reasons why I haven't been going to the Y as much, eating more than usual and eating anything within reach... BUT it doesn't change the bottom line. I've gained 10 pounds this year!!! Horrible!!! Thursday morning was the sum of all things awkward. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning I take an aerobic step class. Before Christmas I was one of the people who set the bar for the entire class! Everyone would stop at some point, but NEVER me!! The Unbreakable Team Included: Mrs. Amanda, the 87 year old... David, the married military guy... and Sharon...  the nice, funny one that amazes everyone because she's the biggest, but she never stops! That's me!! Last Thursday I couldn't finish! I COULDN'T do it!! My stomach was killing me, my legs weighed more than I remembered! I have an entirely new understanding of how asthmatics feel! I wish I had thought to tell them that I caught asthma over the break!!

 What's going on with me? a lot... Over the holidays I spent a lot of time with people who were suffering and I resorted to my own feel good escape. I was certainly out of my routine, but I can't pretend that I didn't expect the scale to reflect my diet. However I was very disappointed to see how quick my endurance in the gym vanished. It's a up hill battle and I feel like I'm back at square one.

Saturday I recommitted to recommit to weight loss. I'm back to counting calories and I've cut out meat and bread for a week. My goal is to get back into my workout routine. Which is once a day minimally, but shooting for twice a day.

I'm having a low motivation moment. It just seems a bit overwhelming to have to lose the weight of a healthy teenager. AKA Taylor Willis! But that's better than where I started... losing a grown ass man! AKA Larry Sparkman! It really comes and goes. What's your motivation to exercise? What do you think my motivation should be?

Thanks for reading and feed back is good!

Can I "Easy Tone" the Junk in my Trunk?

Over the break I purchased Easy Tone Reeboks as a Christmas present for myself. You know how when you get new shoes you feel more athletic than you really are? Partly because the shoes are new and partly because they look cool. Well... when you wear a size 10 wide in shoes... you tend to miss the second part of shoe shopping all together. In the sexy Reebok commercial, the girl's shoes were cute and attractive... pink, purple, my favorite green. The only color they had in 10 wide was white... nurse working the night shift at the hospital white. You might suggest I try another store... I traveled to or called 11 stores between Hattiesburg and Tupelo!  And ordering from the internet would have added another 30 dollars not including shipping! Therefore, I have since decided that the girl in the Reebok commercial is rooting against me. She clearly wants me to fail! She doesn't believe that the Easy Tone Reeboks can rearrange the junk in my trunk! I'll show her! I'll show all of em!! Note to future Easy Toners: wearing them to your aerobic class BEFORE walking ANYWHERE first is a bad idea. You might feel off balance and your feet might start hurting... causing you to take them off in the middle of class at the YMCA! Acting like you at yo 'house or something, but thankful that your socks were clean and without holes! All I can say is SEXY IS BACK!!

The Pursuit of Pretty

Let's start with a story. When I was a little girl every year my grandmother and aunt would buy Easter dresses for me and my sister Lodina. We didn't have money growing up, but every Easter I knew that I would have a new dress to show off on Sunday. Looking back I remember them calling us over to grandma's house and holding them up for us to see. I immediately ran for the pink dress with the beautiful flowers, shimmery fabric and pink shoes to match! A millisecond later (with no harm intended) I was told ... "that one is for Lodina, this one's for you." My dress was blue. Year after year I trained myself to quickly figure out which one was prettier and more girly. Then go toward the other one with as much enthusiasm as I could muster up. In all the years that they bought our dresses... I never picked the wrong one again.

In case you missed the title... this blog is about my own pursuit of pretty. But what does that mean exactly? Last year I had to face a few things in the mirror. It all started when I took a picture of myself in a bathing suit. I don't swim the picture was a planned reality check, but the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Pictures aren't accompanied by my amazing personality. Pictures can't reveal my witty charm that gets me through the daily grind. That picture left me speechless. Last year I managed to lose 45 pounds and keep it off... most of the time! However, I was confronted with another valuable lesson: my pursuit of pretty runs much deeper than my dress size. I started to ask more questions: When I was in my teens... why did I go to flannel shirts... never dresses or skirts? Why didn't I get the ears pierced or desire to try wearing make-up or want to carry a purse? What happened? When did I start feeling left behind in beauty school and decide to give up all together?

I tossed up two titles for this blog... the runner-up was "Finding or Facing the Ugly Truth." I want to document my pursuit of pretty because a lot of the things it's brought up has been an ugly truth. When I saw the picture in the swimsuit I could no longer deny that I'm morbidly obese (100+ over weight). It's like a bad movie where you can predict the ending after the first scene! This blog will help me stop avoiding it and continue to face the mirror. I want to revisit the past, live in the present and share new perspectives that are literally saving my life. I'll also let you in on the random competitions in my head that motivate me and who knows what else!

If you're reading this... I guess I'm offering you a window in. Maybe we'll both discover something we didn't know or have minimized along the way. My hope is that it'll be beautiful for all of us!